Bill Simmons, in his mailbag published today on ESPN.com (by the way Bill, I’ve had plenty of you complaining about your job – you’ve got it easy), brings up Zach Randolph as the funniest player-coach candidate for the Clippers.

Other candidates include Robert Swift as Team Clay Bennett player-coach, Terrell Owens (too easy) as Buffalo Bills player-coach, and Dakota Fanning as actor-director of her next horror movie.

As a serious suggestion: I risk sounding too much like the hopeless Seattle sports romantic I already am, but what about Ken Griffey, Jr. as Mariners player-coach?

Almost all dissension from Mariner fans went away once the team signed Ken Griffey, Jr. Maybe it was the rumors that he’d chosen Atlanta that came right before his homecoming decision.

Leadership – I don’t think this is wishful thinking. First, Junior chose the Mariners. That matters. Too many M’s played last season like athletes condemned to 162 games. Second, Junior has been a leader with this franchise before – almost 10 years ago – and will immediately command respect as the team’s elder statesman. Griffey bridges two decades of Mariner history.

Emotional Impact – Wednesday’s news affected the landscape of Seattle-rooted Facebook statuses across the country, and probably across the world. The Seattle Times featured a startling array of links that must have required work from all their remaining staff members. Junior’s first at-bat at SAFECO during the regular season could cause a 15-minute standing ovation. Imagine his first home run. Imagine his first walk-off home run (it’ll happen). Imagine the hyperbolic heights I’ll reach then…No, it’s not just about economics. Griffey will stir the M’s fan base to a rabid pitch and increase excitement in a ballclub that needs to win back its fans. Last year they didn’t play baseball the right way. Junior has always played baseball the right way, from his leadership, to his effort, to his joy, to his production when healthy, to his humor. With success, he will inspire fans and stir passion for good baseball’s return to Seattle.

Production – I list production third, whereas for almost any other player, it would be first. Because I list it third, it’s easy to devalue Griffey’s on-field production. Every Mariner fan hopes for Griffey to continue his recent trend of odd-year production. In 2005 he hit .301 with 35 homers and 92 RBIs. in 2007 he hit .277 and put up 93 RBIs on 30 homers. That was just two seasons ago. At SAFECO, 25 homers is a more realistic number. Especially for an M’s fan, it’s easy to devalue Griffey’s entire time in Cincinnati (and Chicago) as a complete waste. That would be foolish, because Griffey showed in Cincinnati that when healthy, he can provide numbers worthy of a corner outfielder/dh/#5 or 6 hitter in the lineup.

The major drawback: As mentioned before, Griffey doesn’t fit with the whole “everything is up for grabs” idea promulgated by the GMZ and Don Wakamatsu. He’s uncuttable under any circumstances and he’s probably unbenchable as well. Let’s just stay optimistic over spring training, though.

1. I appreciate all of the national commentators noticing Seattle’s sports woes here at the end of 2008. Where were you when the Sonics moved and the national reaction was … mute? You’re a little late, thank you. But all of this moaning shouldn’t distract us from the true positives in Northwest sports. I’m not trying to put a feel-good spin on an awful year, or to deny the pain of the Mariners season, but I hope we recognize where things have gone well. There’s no curse on Seattle – the Seahawks, Sonics, Huskies and Mariners all made major mistakes to end up in the pits (or oblivion, in the Sonics’ case).

I wish that the incredible high-school basketball landscape in Washington for both men and women would continue to flourish and garner attention on the national stage. I wish to applaud the individual and team efforts of the University of Washington women’s cross country team. I wish that the new Seattle Sounders FC can bring more big-time soccer to the Seattle metro area. I wish to marvel at Gonzaga University’s sustained national success in major college basketball and their graduation from mid-major status.

2. I wish that Jim Mora will continue the professional approach of Mike Holmgren’s Seahawks. I expect nothing less from the continually classy Seahawks organization, but I also worry about the hotheaded Mora, who hasn’t held his tongue in important situations before and already brings a little controversy to the table. With Mike Holmgren, you expect greatness. You expect absolute respect to the players and the game. You appreciate that he’s put that whole general manager fiasco behind him and concentrated on coaching a great football team.

Holmgren will probably return to coaching after his upcoming sabbatical. Good for him. I’m almost more excited to witness what he does during his sabbatical. Will he write an authoritative coaching book? Will he join the rest of his family in missionary and service work around the entire world (I think this is pretty likely)? Will he lay low and not fluff up his hair for a pregame show gig? Heavens no. He’s too erudite and substantive for a TV show. Let’s just hope that Jim Mora spent all his time over the last two seasons drinking Holmgren’s brain fluid. If so, maybe that’s why Mora’s secondary has been so lackluster until the last couple weeks. Football, more than any other sport, is about the entire team, the entire 52-man roster. That’s why good coaches mean so much. Please, Jim Mora, be a good coach.

3. I wish that the Mariners would trade Ichiro. If your team’s identity was found in a $100 millionleadoff hitter who rarely walks, sells team merchandise like crazy, seems very interested in an entertainment career, speaks like a philosopher and made waves last season because many of his teammates apparently hated him, you might have some issues. The Mariners still have no leader and now they’ve lost Raul Ibanez. My wish: trade Ichiro and his ridiculous contract for whatever we can get. Just see what we can get in return. We need position players. Why not sign Pat Burrell? Please, I’m done with Ichiro. It’s apparent he’s a clubhouse cancer, but he doesn’t make the same waves as others like T.O. because he lives in Japan half the year and because his selfishness isn’t so public. The guy won’t participate in the Home Run Derby even though he could create record ratings!

To be fair, it’s not that Ichiro is bad. Calling him a clubhouse cancer is probably going too far. He’s a good major league leadoff hitter and a very good defensive outfielder, but ultimately replaceable. His time with the Mariners has come to an end. He is not a team leader and at his contract, he needs to be one. If we’re going to rebuild, let’s rebuild. That means saying goodbye to easy merchandise money for a while and trying to move forward without Ichiro. The million-dollar leadoff man model is broken.

But the season still happened. And Jim Caple, a Seattleite who writes for ESPN.com, still penned this piece: “The Worst Year Ever.”

I didn’t find anything new in the article, and frankly stopped reading after a while. If you’re from another area, you might enjoy this article out of morbid fascination. It’s worth checking out, though, for the large photos and various sport collages.

Favorites include:
-Halfway down in the ex-Sonics collage, Clay Bennett’s contorted face
-For a shock about 2/3 down in the UW collage, check out the photo of Jake Locker scoring to (almost) tie the game against BYU. Look at the excited fans and the players’ pure joy. I’m still angry about the ensuing flag – let’s penalize a city for being excited about a good performance against a decent team. The photo seems like it was taken years ago, perhaps because it’s sunny out but probably because it carries none of the Ty Willingham-exemplified depression of the rest of the Huskies’ season.
-In the top 1/3, the almost identical expressions of Mike Holmgren and another mustachioed fan in the Seahawks collage